I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
