hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
