I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
