Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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