two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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