Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Nicole vs. Life
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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