I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
