at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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