Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
