My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
