pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
