I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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