mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
whose parrot is this?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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