seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
