I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
