swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
