On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
All the doctor said was why
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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