I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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