she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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