She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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