Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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