my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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