i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
