I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
