In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
