Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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