If that was your dad, he is hot
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
