Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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