No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
