my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
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