I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
