Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
