the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
