I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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