Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
