I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
