she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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