Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Shame - the story of my life.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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