Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
