God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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