at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
