Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
