im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
