I just made out with a guy for $7.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
