My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
