Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
