I looked at my own cervix.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
