Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
