I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
