Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
