Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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