The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
