Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
