If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
