Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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