Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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